HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR: 2029

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR:   2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.  White
minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third
language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.  Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study:  Diet and e xercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed
they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

(hat tip: Dave P)

Add comment November 30th, 2006

1973 versus 2006

This is truly a sign of the times:

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack’s rifle, goes to his
car and gets his rifle to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and
never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized
students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best
friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge
them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits
still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets
extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father’s car and his Dad gives him a
whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care
and joins a gang. Billy’s sister is told by state psychologist that she
remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has
affair with psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car
searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special
school for expectant mothers.

2006 - School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU.
Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her
parent’s consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more
careful next time.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro’s cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper
articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement
for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state
school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core
curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living
because he can’t speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic
terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers
confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed
to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He
is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison.

Add comment November 29th, 2006

Health care for the Wal-Mart crowd

I got sent this via email and thought it was pretty funny.

Important information please pass to your concerned friends. Don’t let
them be taken advantage of..

This man has been spotted in Wal-Mart parking lots in many areas.

If you see this guy, do not be taken in by his SCAM !

THIS IS A HOAX !!!

MY FRIEND TRIED IT - SHE SAYS IT DOES NOT WORK AND HER INSURANCE
WOULD NOT COVER IT!

Don’t know if I’d be hanging out at Wal-Mart though, I think I would be in front of Victoria Secrets.

Add comment July 28th, 2006

Pimp my VW with a Jet

The car is licensed here in California. In California, new cars have bi-annual smog inspections so if you modify the engine, it is likely to fail the inspection and you won’t be able to drive it on the street. There are some exempt engine modifications (ex. after-cat mufflers - big deal) but none that will allow you to add 1350 hp to a new car.

1350 hp, Don’t even try, tuner boy…

And I thought my Corvette was packin.

Add comment July 11th, 2006