A man who lost his ball in a golf course pond nearly lost a limb when a nearly 11-foot alligator latched on to his arm and pulled him in the water, authorities said.

Bruce Burger, 50, was trying to retrieve his ball Monday from a pond on the sixth hole at the Lake Venice Golf Club.

The alligator latched on to Burger’s right forearm and pulled him in the pond, said Gary Morse, a spokesman for the Florida Fish and Wildlife Conservation Commission. Burger used his left arm to beat the reptile until it freed him.

“I saw him reach down to get his ball and he yelled” for help, said Janet Pallo, who was playing the fifth hole and ran over to drive the man to the clubhouse.

Burger, from Lenoir City, Tennessee, was taken to a hospital but was not seriously injured, Morse said Tuesday.

It took seven Fish and Wildlife officers an hour to trap the one-eyed alligator, which measured 10 feet, 11 inches, Morse said.

The pond at the sixth hole has a “Beware of Alligator” sign.

“Unfortunately, that’s part of Florida,” course general manager Rod Parry said. “There’s wildlife in these ponds.”

I thought Happy Gilmore already killed that gator….

1. BLAMESTORMING : Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline
was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.

2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps
on everything, and then leaves.

3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and
advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard

4. SALMON DAY : The experience of spending an entire day swimming
upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.

5. CUBE FARM : An office filled with cubicles.

6. PRAIRIE DOGGING : When someone yells or drops something loudly in a
cube farm, and people’s heads pop up over the walls to see what’s going
on.

7. MOUSE POTATO : The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch
potato.

8. SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What
Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working
to stay home with the kids.

9. STRESS PUPPY : A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and
whiny.

10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless
because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.

11. XEROX SUBSIDY : Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one’s
workplace.

12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying
but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.

13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE : The fine art of whacking the crap out of an
electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this
to my computer……

14. ADMINISPHERE : The rarefied organizational layers beginning just
above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are
often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were
designed to solve.

15. 404 : Someone who’s clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message
“404 Not Found,” meaning that the requested site could not be located.

16. GENERICA : Features of the American landscape that are exactly the
same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and
subdivisions.

17. OHNOSECOND : That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize
that you’ve just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an
email by mistake).

(hat tip: Deanna)

(hat tip: Geronimo)

You’re my bitch now……

Crack Spiders’ Bitch….lol

(hat tip: Geronimo)

1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

We hope this clears up any confusion.

(hat tip: Dave P)

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl
took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my
pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3
pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her
discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she
hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to
her, she stood there and cried. Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:

1. Teaching Math In 1950

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price. What is his profit?

2. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5
of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is
$80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80
and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and
inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the
preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20.
What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class
participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels
feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers.)

6. Teaching Math In 2006

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la
producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

(hat tip: Dave P)

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR:   2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest
country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California.  White
minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third
language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Baby conceived naturally.  Scientists stumped.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more
years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally,
but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail
delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year $75.8 billion study:  Diet and e xercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed
they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players is now nine feet, seven inches.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters
and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political
contributions to campaign accounts.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

(hat tip: Dave P)

Scenario: Jack pulls into school parking lot with rifle in gun rack.

1973 - Vice Principal comes over, takes a look at Jack’s rifle, goes to his
car and gets his rifle to show Jack.

2006 - School goes into lockdown, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and
never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized
students and teachers.

++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny and Mark get into a fist fight after school.

1973 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up best
friends. Nobody goes to jail, nobody arrested, nobody expelled.

2006 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge
them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.

1973 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by Principal. Sits
still in class.

2006 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. School gets
extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Billy breaks a window in his father’s car and his Dad gives him a
whipping.

1973 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
and becomes a successful businessman.

2006 - Billy’s Dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster care
and joins a gang. Billy’s sister is told by state psychologist that she
remembers being abused herself and their Dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has
affair with psychologist.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mark gets a headache and takes some headache medicine to school.

1973 - Mark shares headache medicine with Principal out on the smoking dock.

2006 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car
searched for drugs and weapons.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Mary turns up pregnant.

1973 - 5 High School Boys leave town. Mary does her senior year at a special
school for expectant mothers.

2006 - School Counselor calls Planned Parenthood, who notifies the ACLU.
Mary is driven to the next state over and gets an abortion without her
parent’s consent or knowledge. Mary given condoms and told to be more
careful next time.

++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Pedro fails high school English.

1973: Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.

2006: Pedro’s cause is taken up by state democratic party. Newspaper
articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement
for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action lawsuit against state
school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core
curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living
because he can’t speak English.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from the 4th of July,
puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.

1973 - Ants die.

2006 - BATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic
terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers
confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed
to fly again.

+++++++++++++++++++++

Scenario: Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He
is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary, hugs him to comfort him.

1973 - In a short time Johnny feels better and goes on playing.

2006 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in State Prison.